1. If
you don’t want your husband to spread every little piece of mail all OVER your
kitchen counter, open it yourself, throw away the trash and make piles by
categories before he even sees it.
2. The
best MO for the coming zombie apocalypse is to be prepared.
a.
Plan
ahead.
b.
Buy
ahead.
c.
Have
a phone list by the phone.
d.
Have
an emergency plan, teach the kids to drive before its legal (don’t tell anyone
I said that),
e.
have
your freezer FULL of ice cream (because you KNOW your teenagers are going to
invite all their friends over),
f.
Have
meal plans prepared in advance and post them on the fridge (even though you
KNOW they won’t see it, at least you know you did your part),
g.
Invite
your friends over (it helps keep your house clean - and you wouldn't want to offend those zombies...)
3. Don’t
fret when the toilet paper roll dispenses from the underside. Just turn it over
and go about your business. If there's NO toilet paper scream like you've seen the Godzilla of spiders and when they all come running (riiighhhht!), tell them about their error.
4. Once
a month, check your clothes washer filter for airsoft pellets. They clog up the
drain.
5. Make
coffee and then store it in the fridge. No explanation needed.
6. It’s
okay to hide your chocolate. In multiple places.
7. If
you gave birth to a pyromaniac, during their teen years, have a fire
extinguisher handy. Just in case.
8. In
fact, if you have a long haired dog, during the winter months keep a fire
extinguisher handy. (Since your husband likes to sit by the fire and the dog
follows him.)
9.
If
you have a black dog, put a night light in the hallway. Either that or carry an extra pair of underwear in your pocket.
1. Before you go to bed at night, make
sure all the light switches in the kitchen are either all up or all down. You know they
won’t be that way in the morning, but at least you’ll be able to sleep.
1. Keep the basement window open, just a
little, in case a squirrel enters your laundry room through a vent.
1. Learn first aid. It saves time and
money. (And it ‘wows’ the doctor when you actually knew how to bandage scrotum
correctly.)
1. Keep a bucket handy. You know you CAN catch throw up in your hands, but...why?
1. Baking soda. For everything. Buy the
Costco bag.
1. Learn to play Cubis. Then at least
you’ll know you’ve FINISHED SOMEthing by the end of the day.
1. If you are raising boys, always,
always check the toilet seat BEFORE you sit down. Nothing can throw off your
mojo like wet thighs in your jeans. (Or going skinny dipping unintentionally.)
1. Keep a pad of paper, pencil and
camera ready at all times. Teenagers are hilarious.
1. Simplify. If you don’t have it, you
don’t have to move it in order to vacuum.
1. Utilize a homeless sock shelter.
You’re going to need it.
. . I know it's difficult, but there ARE going to be days when you need to leave the house a mess and go play with your children.
2. Get over it. Seriously.
